I had been doing such a great job of blogging every day (minus Memorial Day and weekends) and then I had to go and ruin it yesterday. Oh well. That crazy thing called "life" got the best of me again.
Truthfully, I have felt a little more vulnerable lately. The month of May was a hard one for me. Packing, moving, sick baby, grieving has taken its toll on me. We hired movers (best money ever spent) which helped tremendously with the moving part. But other than that, we've been go-go-go for over a month.
Between his grief and his dissertation, Phil has so much going on right now. I have known for a long time that these stresses were going to take almost all of Phil's attention and I wouldn't be able to get as much emotional support from him as I need. And that's ok. His needs are huge and important right now too. He needs me right now and it can't really be the other way around. That's part of marriage.
Yesterday was Phil's dad's birthday. The first one since he passed.
And I'm due for my routine blood test for my cancer. It should be just fine, but I always get a little anxious when I have to go have it done.
And I really didn't need to get called out on facebook. I was so proud of accomplishing this big goal that I really didn't think I would be able to do, and when I voice excitement about it, I basically got pissed on. I understand that not everyone is going to agree with what I say or my opinions, but I honestly did not need such a rude gesture. I stood up for myself and the other woman that comment was directed at and I STILL got backlash for it.
On top of everything else, May is quickly becoming one of my least favorite months of the year. It's getting right up there with January. Between the end of school, baseball and Memorial Day, everyone is super busy. And selfishly, it was really hard on me. Almost everyone in my support system was preoccupied with their own lives (how dare they!).
A huge part of this is my own fault. I am awful at asking for help. I know with about 93% certainty that if I had called people and told them that I really needed to talk or spend time with them, they would have made the time. And that's something I need to get better at. People aren't mind readers, how can someone know you need them if you don't tell them.
So I'm working on it. I'm learning (very slowly) that self-care is one of the most important things I can do for myself. It's probably even more important right now that sleep (I can't believe I just typed that). I can't be expected to be a great mom, a focused and productive engineer, a caring wife/daughter/sister/friend if I'm running on empty.
If I've learned one thing over the last few years, it's that life is hard. We've been thrown a lot of stuff lately. And while some of those things will get better over time, they leave their marks. Cancer, loss, it changes you. But I am not going to give up. I am going to learn to take better care of myself and to ask for help and support when I need it.
So if you get a phone call from me, you'll know why. :)
Also, retail therapy might be in order. I'm thinking another of this shirt: