A Letter

To my baby boy,

I've attempted to write you letters several times during this pregnancy, but the words would never come.  From the very beginning, your existence has been too good to be true.  I was starting to feel like your daddy and I weren't meant to be parents the traditional way, or maybe at all.  There really wasn't a day that went by that my heart didn't ache for a family, for you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

Even though I knew I needed to be patient, to wait to be through with thyroid cancer so we could move forward, each day felt like forever.  Every time I heard of someone else being pregnant or having a baby, I would get angry.  I was mad it was so easy for them when it was so hard for me.  I was upset I had to have cancer.  I was disabled by how unfair the situation felt.  I couldn't understand why I was being kept from you.

And then I got a feeling.  I got my scan and blood test results both back on Tuesday.  By Thursday, I was pretty sure I was pregnant.  On Friday, I knew you were in my belly.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

There are no words to describe how happy, excited, and overjoyed your daddy and I were.  You are the answer to our prayers and your timing couldn't have been more perfect.  Almost the second your existence was ok, you were with us.  It's as if God knew we couldn't wait any longer for you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

As excited as I am to meet you, a part of me is nervous for you to be born.  For the last 9 months, it has been you and me.  You've been with me every second of every day, with gentle (and not so gentle) kicks and rolls.  Constant reminders of the gift from God that you are and how lucky I am.  You're especially active during meetings, which makes me smile.  And when I start to feel nervous about how you're doing, you always move, letting me know that you're alright.  After you're born, I'll have to share you with everyone else.  I won't be able to keep you safe one hundred percent of the time and I worry for how the world will treat you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

There are so many prayers and hopes I have for you, little boy.  I pray you'll have your daddy's kind soul and good manners.  I pray you'll be smart and make good choices.  I pray you'll have empathy for others.  I pray you'll constantly look for the good in the world and ways you can make it better.  I pray you'll find your passion in life and work towards it.  I pray you'll find a nice person to marry and share your life with.  I pray that every day you know how much your daddy and I love you.  I pray I can be the mother you deserve me to be.  I pray that you will continue to be a gift from God to the world, just as you've been a gift from God to us.

You are my dream come true and I can't wait to meet you.


Love,

Your Momma


PS - Today is your official due date.  It's time to come out.

The dreaded "I" word

Well, my appointment showed I had progressed to....

ZERO


And the little guy still hadn't budged down one tiny bit.

All that walking and the kid hadn't budged.

Even though I still have some time before I absolute HAVE to do it, it was time to start talking about the possibility of being induced.

Phil and I took a Bradley Method birth classes a few months ago.  For those of you not familiar with the Bradley Method (also called Husband coached childbirth) it basically teaches that you should avoid unnecessary medical inventions when it comes to giving birth.  As someone who is eager to avoid an epidural and/or c-section, this is right up my alley.

I'm not sure where my fear of the epidural and c-section come from.  Maybe it is because I feel like I've had enough stuff done to my body lately.  My last body scan had me laying on a curved board for over an hour, during which I lost the feeling in my arms and legs and it FREAKED me out.  I did not like the feeling one bit.  I felt a little trapped in my own body.  The idea of having that done with an epidural just doesn't sound appealing I guess.

I'm not saying I'm going to have a natural childbirth.  I have no idea what childbirth will feel like and whether or not I will be able to handle the pain well or have the energy to sustain a long labor.  But I wanted to make sure I had all the tools possible to give me a fighting chance.  And I reserve the right to change my mind at any point, without judgement.  :)

Anyway, "induction" is kind of a dirty word in the Bradley arena.  It's not as bad as episiotomy which is basically another word for "the devil" but it is spoken with a bit of distaste in the mouth.  I think everyone is aware that Pitocin can be a bit of a game changer.

So a small part of me cringes a little at the idea of being induced.  But since this child is currently planning on starting his first day of preschool in my womb, it is a reality.  And we kind of decided that if we set an induction date, then we probably wouldn't need it (Murphy's Law).

May 26th

I will be 41 weeks and 1 day.

I feel like that is long enough to be pregnant.  I will have given it the good college try when it comes to getting this baby out naturally.  My dues will have been paid.  If the other women in my Bradley class want to judge, too bad because they have ALL had their babies already (insert jealous screams and crying fits).

Now that we have a date set, I feel so much better.  While the thought of having to be pregnant another 9 days kind of makes me want to cry, it also gives me 9 days to get him out on my own.  And it gives me 9 more days to get mentally prepared for what an induction could entail.  Get into a zen-like place.

I'm off to meditate.

9 more days, TOPS.


PS - Any comments about how awful inductions are and should be avoided like the plague are NOT welcome.  Seriously... why would you think I would want to hear that at this point?

39.5 weeks

I'm feeling especially brave today.  I must be feeling brave to post this picture:

{Hello swollen fingers and wrists.  And yes... 

it takes a lot of focus to take a picture sometimes.}

It's either that or I have just stopped caring.  Plus the phone is strategically placed in front of my ever-swelling face so that helps. (SIDE NOTE: I had 2 pictures up and deleted one of them so obviously my bravery is failing fast.)

And I needed to put up the pictures before my doctor's appointment this afternoon.  If I get more great news like I did last week, I'll probably be curled up in a ball crying tonight.  :)  At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if my child had constructed a steel gate at my cervix so he doesn't have to come out.  I mean, I've always prided myself on being a good hostess, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

I was feeling fairly discouraged this weekend because I did absolutely NOTHING that could be considered nesting.  I sat and napped and made mental lists of all of the things I should be doing, everything that needed to be done before we had a baby and had a bunch of people coming over to our house.  But I have ZERO motivation to actually get any of it done.  And I've heard that women usually get a big surge of nesting right before they go into labor, so I had come to the following conclusion:

no nesting = no baby

Dang.

But there is a glimmer of hope.  Last night I organized the DVDs, dusted, and folded laundry.  Then I woke up this morning and decided that I HAD to clean the bathroom before I got in the shower.

So even if I am not nesting, at least my bathroom is sparkling.

Happy Birthday Cotton!

My puppy is no longer technically a puppy.

He's still a puppy to me.  :)

Happy Birthday Cotton!!

Fort Knox

I used to be a total morning person.  We are talking "go to the gym at 5 in the morning" type of morning person.  For the past year and a half (thanks thyroid), I can't get my lazy bones out of the bed to save my life.

But for the past couple of weeks, the thought of rolling over one more time is just too much to handle.  So I've been getting up at more of a morning person appropriate time.

That meant 5:50 this morning.

So I got ready, made breakfast and did some laundry.  Because I'm crazy like that.  And then I still got to work 20 minutes early.  Just in time to find out that my coworker's wife had had her baby.

Insert insane bits of jealousy.  I managed to not cry, so we will count it as a win for me.

At this point, I feel pretty bad for Phil.  You see... I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  And while I was hoping to hear, "Oh my gosh!  Your baby is practically half-way birthed!" instead I heard, "The baby has actually gone further up than down and your uterus is like Fort Knox."

Ok that's not really what she said.  But that's basically the message I took away.

But you know the doctor knows it's not the best news to tell a very pregnant woman when she also follows the "you're not dilated at all" news with several lines of "this doesn't mean labor is far away" and "I just had a mom in your same situation" type of statements.

The main remedy?  Brisk walking.

So that's what Phil and I did last night.  He took ahold of both dogs and we went for the longest walk to the pharmacy ever.  We must have been quite the sight to see.  And if I had been thinking about anything other than my ascending child, I probably would have taken some pictures.  Basically, it was me waddling down the sidewalk as fast as my swollen feet would go with Phil essentially cross-country skiing with our dogs that act like they have never been on a leash in their lives.  Taylor also managed to poop like 4 times, each time just as we were too far away from a garbage can to justify going back.

We are never taking both of them on a walk again.

So after we returned home, Phil got to deal with his super swollen, sweaty, emotional "I'm going to be pregnant forever" wife.  I'm sure it is just what he needed with the week we've had.

The plus side... my coworkers have been commenting on how well I am handling the end of my pregnancy.  So at least I am able to hold together some professional demeanor in the work place.  And that's good because I'm about to start wearing sweatpants and Phil's shirts to work.

If you need me, I'll be out walking/waddling.

PS - If you google "pregnant forever" you'll get a lot of pictures of Jessica Simpson.  Like this one:

That strangely makes me feel better.

A hard week

This has been a tough week.  And it's only Wednesday.

I don't want to get into too many details at the moment, but basically we received some not great news about Phil's Dad.  (I haven't written about it in a while, but for those who are new:  Phil's dad was diagnosed with Liver Cancer in August of 2010).

On top of the normal anxiety of dealing with having our first child and Phil working his butt off to finish his dissertation, this HUGE thing happened too.  It is almost too much to process all at once.

That's kind of how life has felt ever since we got married.

-  We got married.

-  2 months later Phil's dad's liver ruptures.  He has Liver Cancer.

-  Phil and I decide a few months later we want to start trying to have a baby.

-  6 months later we find out we are fertilly challenged.

-  2 months after that my nodules are found.

-  We spent the next 6 months trying to figure out if I had cancer.  Turns out, I had cancer.

-  2 surgeries.

-  Radioactive iodine and whole body scan.

-  2 months later, new doctor orders neck ultrasound.

-  Ultrasound leads to more tests.  Tests come back clean.

-  Our little miracle happens.

-  All the while, Phil works like crazy to finish his PhD.


So Phil and I have spent the last couple of days just trying to process the news about his dad.  Regardless of the things that have happened since we got married, it's hard to know exactly what to do with not great health news about a loved one.  But on top of everything else, it feels compounded almost.  It feels like we are barely able to shake one huge thing and another rains down.

As we have sat and talked over the last couple of days, there has been this strange dichotomy of emotions.  Complete sadness over the fact that Phil's dad's cancer has gotten worse and then total joy when our son gives a giant kick.  Life and death so close together.

We are doing alright.  Thankfully we have a huge support system around us.  My family loves Phil probably more than they love me (can't blame them, he's awesome).  And my friends are pretty much the best.  And we have the added distraction of trying almost anything to get this baby out so we can meet him.

But it has been a hard week.  I'm ready for Friday.  And labor.

We appreciate your prayers and support.  It means a lot.  And hopefully I'll have more of an update soon.


PS - Reason #8593 to have a dog.  Cotton didn't leave Phil's side when he was upset.  He was a total sweetheart and just cuddled with us for hours.  This picture is old, but you get the idea.

What to Expect...

{image source}

When the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting first came to the theaters, Phil and I vowed we would not be seeing it.  It was in the middle of my cancer stuff and the moratorium on my uterus.  We weren't sure if we were ever going to be able to have kids and seeing that movie just seemed like a means of torture.

Of course everyone and their dog saw the movie.  Or at least it seemed like it.  And they RAVED about it.  So after I found out I was pregnant and the movie came out on DVD, I figured I could probably watch it.  But Phil and I never got around to it.  I almost watched it with some girlfriends once, but we ended up sitting around and talking the whole time instead (always the best alternative).

Last week, I noticed the movie was on Netflix and figured this was a sign that I should finally watch it (since I wouldn't have to actually GO rent it).  After some Mexican food take-out and a nap yesterday, Phil and I sat down and watched the whole thing.

I hated it.

It was like watching my every fear played out on the screen before me.

-  The couple who takes 2 years to get pregnant (sounds familiar) finally gets pregnant only to find a relative who got pregnant SUPER easy and has the easiest of pregnancies ends up having to have a C-section and almost dies.  Like I needed that in my head right before I give birth.

-  The couple adopting who struggle with the idea of getting ready for the baby.  And then when they finally go get him, J. Lo says, "I've been waiting for you."  Pretty much exactly how I feel about this baby who is refusing to be born.  Like at 38 weeks pregnant I needed a reason to cry?

-  The couple who has a miscarriage.  Thankfully I have not experienced having a miscarriage.  But I know people how have and it was almost a debilitating fear I had for the first 13 weeks of my pregnancy.  I honestly stopped exercising because I was afraid I was going to do something wrong.

The only redeeming aspect of the whole movie was the Dad's Club.

I'm not sure that people who haven't experienced challenges when it comes to having babies can ever fully understand the kind of pain and loss that comes with it.  And even though we are lucky enough to get to experience a normal, healthy pregnancy, it will never erase all the struggle that came with getting here.  Personally, I think it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person.  And there is no doubt in my mind that it has changed the way I will parent my kids.

But I hated the movie.  Just thought I'd share.